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*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
“Omg Yes!”
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.


What’s the nutritional value of an entire tube of cherry Chapstick?

Asking for my two year old.


Executioner: last meal?

Me: I want to eat the electric chair

Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that


Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”


My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.


Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games


[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]

“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”


Kid: I love you so much!

Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.

Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.

Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.