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@Brampersandon_

*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.

@mstluvstrinkets

What’s the nutritional value of an entire tube of cherry Chapstick?

Asking for my two year old.

@Shenaniglenns

Executioner: last meal?

Me: I want to eat the electric chair

Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that

@mjkspeaks

Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”

@JeanHallow

My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.

@FunkyFresh_79

Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games

@ericsshadow

[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]

“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”

@mom_ontherocks

Kid: I love you so much!

Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.

Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.

Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.