As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
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Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.