Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
You Might Also Like
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?