Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
You Might Also Like
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
the #horror is real!
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
I want to meet the individual who made this