People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
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Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Was it something I said?
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT