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@KieranSoFar

me: I’m going to kill the moon

dude: the moon is flat

me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners

@UncleDuke1969

Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!

*points at baby*

Me: You gonna eat that?

@thenatewolf

*a man runs into the bar*

“HELP HELP, IS ANYONE HERE COUSINS WITH BON JOVI?”

*my date looks at me, I do nothing, my lies are now exposed*

@Marlebean

*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday

@TheAlexP

* feels winds of change

* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts

@TheAdly

You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.

@dramadelinquent

My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.

We will be telling them tonight.

@BlindChow

“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.

I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.

@eliyudin

that show “Intervention” should just be called “Haters”

@rebrafsim

Son: daddy why is the sky blue?

Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled