me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
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Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
*a man runs into the bar*
“HELP HELP, IS ANYONE HERE COUSINS WITH BON JOVI?”
*my date looks at me, I do nothing, my lies are now exposed*
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
that show “Intervention” should just be called “Haters”
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled