me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
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I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Born to be mild.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.