[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
You Might Also Like
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin