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@djdarrellripley

Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.

Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?

@bazecraze

Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”

@mydmac

Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: why, what have you heard?

@dumbbeezie

That confusing moment when the person you hate at work brings donuts

@mejustbeth

Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.

@MichaelTrying

“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”

-Amazon suggestions logic

@KatelynnGelman

I hung a plant in my shower and I was trying to take a picture but my dog Drax thought I was taking a picture of him lmao