Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
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Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
That confusing moment when the person you hate at work brings donuts
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
I hung a plant in my shower and I was trying to take a picture but my dog Drax thought I was taking a picture of him lmao