Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
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I’ve never sky dived but I have zoomed in real fast on google earth
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
I wonder if whiskey thinks about me too.
me: [making a chicken salad]
chicken: thanks i love salad