You Might Also Like

@SortaBad

Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car

@mandystick71

I’ve never sky dived but I have zoomed in real fast on google earth

@TheDjinnTrials

Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.

@newLettuce

[1800s]

Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise

Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought

@lmwortho

CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm

@seamusmckracken

Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.

@kibblesmith

Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.

@JustMeTurtle

It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.

@KyleSmells

me: [making a chicken salad]

chicken: thanks i love salad