My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
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Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Yeah, cigarettes make you cool but they also take years off your life. Those are just two benefits.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
You do understand “Tan” and “Orange” are 2 very different colors right?
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.