My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
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[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”