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@Jamberee13

My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes

@SimplySnaccbar

Sister: You need more friends

Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me

Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven

Me: Haha that is classic Carol

@nottheworstmom

*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*

Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?

Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT

@OfficeofSteve

Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies

@KevinFarzad

Yeah, cigarettes make you cool but they also take years off your life. Those are just two benefits.

@NintenDom

It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.

@TheBoydP

“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”

~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion

@darksidedeb

I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.

@thatUPSdude

You do understand “Tan” and “Orange” are 2 very different colors right?

@citizenkawala

Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.