I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
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ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
My hatred for Nicki Minaj probably stems from my fear of clowns.
At least he brought enough for everyone
“Something in the way she moos / attracts me like no udder lover”
I hated facial hair at first, but then it grew on me!
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
me: i really don’t care about other people’s problems
also me: [sees a dead fish while walking on the beach] oh no what happened
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Probably the worst time to ask “shouldn’t we go on a date first?” is after getting handcuffed by a police officer.