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@EmberToAsh

I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”

@WritePlay

ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what

NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that

@thesulk

“Something in the way she moos / attracts me like no udder lover”

@chashmaswag

My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.

@donttouchjames

me: i really don’t care about other people’s problems

also me: [sees a dead fish while walking on the beach] oh no what happened

@JediGigi

My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.

@KKAlThani

Probably the worst time to ask “shouldn’t we go on a date first?” is after getting handcuffed by a police officer.