Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 馃え
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“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Me: Evil always thinks it鈥檚 doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it鈥檚 not longer than a week
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
When can I start eating bats again.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.