(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k

(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?

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Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*


You Shook Me All Night Long is a great song that also describes what I do to my husband when he’s snoring.


2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.


Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory

No weirdos


My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”

Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.


[leaning over bathroom sink]

Me: *clips fingernail*

Fingernail: *lands in Italy*


The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.


ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.


Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*