[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
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🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that