Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Axl: Where do we go now?
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
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As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Just saw a woman getting ‘running lessons’ with rubber bands & a head gear. Pffft, I could’ve taught her for free and with only a chainsaw