Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
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I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.