I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
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Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
But that’s none of my business
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all