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@DurtMcHurtt

Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.

@JohnLyonTweets

Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.

@weismanjake

I’m a vegetarian and when people say to me “you know Hitler was also a vegetarian” it always reminds me how many Jews I’ve been killing

@Fab_Mommy_

My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.

“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”

@mutedclamor

I thought this hot Egyptian chick was hitting on me but she was just trying to lure me into a pyramid scheme. 🙁

@PetrickSara

[Married Pillow Talk]

Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.

@antheanton

Homeschooling isn’t that hard … just set an agenda, stick to a routine, have fun … oh and don’t have kids!

@theflipgod

#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…

@BruceForce

*spreads rose petals on the bed*

[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”

@AndrewNadeau0

{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!