Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
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Want to talk trash? Recycle.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
I don’t hate children, just yours.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.