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@flashember

WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING

@ravenswng_

If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.

@NotthatAdamWest

Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”

@rad_milk

break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out

@OllyiConic

Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.

@BoogTweets

Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations

Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.

@zachreinert03

I’ve never understood the whole ‘burying people for fun at the beach’. The cops will just find the bodies when the tide comes

@Sean_Burgundy_

[1st date]

Waiter: Can I get you a drink ma’am ?

Me: Wow really bro right in front of me?

@stevevsninjas

Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here