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WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING


If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.


Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”


break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out


Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.


Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations

Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.


I’ve never understood the whole ‘burying people for fun at the beach’. The cops will just find the bodies when the tide comes


[1st date]

Waiter: Can I get you a drink ma’am ?

Me: Wow really bro right in front of me?


Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here