completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
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After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.