Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
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All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.