*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
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If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.