Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
You Might Also Like
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle