I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
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if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
rise and shine we got egg
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Stick it to the man
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.