You Might Also Like

@Average_Dad1

My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.

@lmwortho

Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.

@DrDumbDum

You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet

@Turbo_Jimmy

UK: we call them films, after the traditional recording process using photographic film

USA: WE CALL THEM MOVIES BECAUSE THEM PHOTOS MOVE

@NotARatsAss

My father could have the original copy of the Declaration of Independence on the counter, and still make a meatball sandwich over top of it.

@3sunzzz

My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.

@kelkulus

The coolest part of the bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.

@murrman5

*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*

@catstronomical

him: what did you do all day?

*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*

Me: it’s a purrrramid!

@fuzzlime

my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her