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My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.


Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.


You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet


UK: we call them films, after the traditional recording process using photographic film



My father could have the original copy of the Declaration of Independence on the counter, and still make a meatball sandwich over top of it.


My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.


The coolest part of the bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.


*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*


him: what did you do all day?

*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*

Me: it’s a purrrramid!


my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her