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*pops out of casket at funeral*
ok but when I actually die you guys better have nicer things to say


I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.


My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you” now she just staring at the bushes confused wondering who said that


me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans

*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.


I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.


My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.


[applying for a home loan]

Lender: how much is your car payment

Me: uhh

Lender: what’s your salary before taxes

Me: umm

Lender: do you know anything

Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder