*pops out of casket at funeral*
ok but when I actually die you guys better have nicer things to say
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I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you” now she just staring at the bushes confused wondering who said that
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Plot twist: name your pets after passwords.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder