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@MsFoxIfUrNasty

[at gym]

*spends 45 minutes untangling headphones
*drops phone, squats to pick it up

Phew! Good workout!

*leaves

@bea_ker

You wanna see the most dangerous animal in the world mate? Go look in the mirror.

(I’ve locked an adult male puma in their bathroom)

@JennyPentland

I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”

@MykaFox

You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose

@birbigs

Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”

@Marlebean

Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.

Me, meeting anyone from instagram.

@AndyAsAdjective

3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706

@Landon8426

Chess with Australians must get so confusing.

“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”

@Mr_Kapowski

U.S. DEPT OF FORESTRY: Sir, we believe you’re hunting illegally

GUY IN ALL CAMO W/ ORANGE HAT: *takes off hat*

USDOF: Dammit we lost him

@OtherDanOBrien

[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”