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@StarWarsProblms

Leia: I love you.

Han: I know.

[gets frozen in carbonite]

[two years pass]

[gets unfrozen]

Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”

@English_Channel

Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika

@duplicitron

Free joke for rats: Pick up a cashew and pretend to use it as a phone.

@8bitf0x

whats the definition of a will? (lol come on guys its a dead giveaway)

@TheWoodenslurpy

[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]

Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?

@notalogin

You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.

@_BryanZ_

I sooo did not want to go on a run today but those cops came out of nowhere.

@Maxine12333

Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.

@TragicAllyHere

[Movie theater]

*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*