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@ComedicBust

I joined snapchat yesterday; apparently my phone doesn’t die fast enough for my liking.

@daemonic3

A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead

@blakeslun

british mfs be like yeah we hit the club in west gloucestershire then took a cab to pucklechurch and ended the night in upper bucklebury

@Mirimade

Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: YES!

Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?

Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!

Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: Yes!

Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?

@TheMichaelRock

I haven’t seen an Ice Bucket Challenge video in about a week. Did we cure ALS?

@jimmytorosian

Me: Have a taste of your own medicine

*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*

Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!

@cottoncandaddy

why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime

@prattprattpratt

If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.