I joined snapchat yesterday; apparently my phone doesn’t die fast enough for my liking.
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A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
british mfs be like yeah we hit the club in west gloucestershire then took a cab to pucklechurch and ended the night in upper bucklebury
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
I haven’t seen an Ice Bucket Challenge video in about a week. Did we cure ALS?
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR FANNYPACK WANT TO GO IN THE VENDING MACHINE.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.