Sorry not sorry.
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“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.