13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday

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NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!

ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you


It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.


“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.


My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.


I’m sorry I started making smores while your house was burning down


I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking


I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…


Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.

Me: I know, right?


The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.