13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
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i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”