NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
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It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
*leaves open can of tuna under my ex’s couch*
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
I’m sorry I started making smores while your house was burning down
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.