@StoneAgeRadio13

13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday

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@ValeeGrrl

NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!

ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you

@KevinFarzad

It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.

@Adar79Angie

“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.

@HatfieldAnne

My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.

@TheChalupa1

I’m sorry I started making smores while your house was burning down

@GingerAtLaw

I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking

@OFalafel

I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…

@OMGSoOverIt

Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.

Me: I know, right?

@grimmreality

The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.