13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
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I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight