My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
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I like Triscuits because sometimes you just want to eat a wicker basket.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
When I was younger I used to sell home security alarms door to door. I was always selling the most security alarms out of anyone else I worked with. “What’s your secret?”. If I went to call on a house and nobody was home, then I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
Me: You know that prank where you put dog poop in a bag and set the persons house on fire?
Her: You mean set the bag on fire
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Kiss her in the middle of her sentence
chicks dig when you visit them in jail
Whoever named The Great Depression in 1929 probably didn’t anticipate my life in 2019.
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*