@Jeffwni

13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.

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@ohJuliatweets

I like Triscuits because sometimes you just want to eat a wicker basket.

@280Jokes

When I was younger I used to sell home security alarms door to door. I was always selling the most security alarms out of anyone else I worked with. “What’s your secret?”. If I went to call on a house and nobody was home, then I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

@BoogTweets

Me: You know that prank where you put dog poop in a bag and set the persons house on fire?

Her: You mean set the bag on fire

Me:

[sirens]

@AudreyPorne

I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.

@1evilidiot

Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.

@81I2

Kiss her in the middle of her sentence

chicks dig when you visit them in jail

@clusterBtraits

Whoever named The Great Depression in 1929 probably didn’t anticipate my life in 2019.

@daemonic3

[first date]

*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*

“Would you like a mint?”

*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*

“Dammit”