13yo: Mom, I need 3 current issues happening in the neighborhood.

Me: How abo-


..shoot me now.

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Ladies, if he tells you he’s 6 feet & 4 inches, be sure those aren’t two separate measurements.


Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.

Now who’s stupid? They are!


One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.


Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.


[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.


one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth


You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.

I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.


Drake the type of nigga to get a wanted star in Grand Theft Auto, drive to the police station and turn himself in.


Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes


if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point