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Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.