@amazymay72x

13yo: Mom, I need 3 current issues happening in the neighborhood.

Me: How abo-

11yo: WEAK WIFI, BUFFERING, BAD DATA PLAN!

..shoot me now.

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@Tmoney68

Ladies, if he tells you he’s 6 feet & 4 inches, be sure those aren’t two separate measurements.

@PJTLynch

Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.

Now who’s stupid? They are!

@TheTweetOfGod

One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.

@darksidedeb

Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.

@notalogin

[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.

@tayziken

one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth

@jus4golf

You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.

I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.

@DrizzyTheType

Drake the type of nigga to get a wanted star in Grand Theft Auto, drive to the police station and turn himself in.

@Social_Mime

Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes

@bornmiserable

if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point