13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
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*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone