14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
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Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Why is no one talking about this?!
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Meanwhile in Canada…
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?