14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
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“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
We’ve come full circle
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
😆this is so true
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.