14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
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My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him