14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
You Might Also Like
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*