14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
You Might Also Like
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die