@SouthernStylin1

14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen

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@paulablu22

A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”

@propapergirl

Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.

@murrman5

*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”

@ericsshadow

ME: my son ran away

COP: we won’t rest until we find him

ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush

@NotthatAdamWest

Not sure what my dog thinks I do all day, but based on her excitement when I get home she apparently lives in constant fear I’ll be murdered

@C00LpenNAME

Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably

@brianbowman73

We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.

I was naked.

She was afraid.

I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.