14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen

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You can sign up for as many karate classes as you want there is literally no one monitoring this


“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”

– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.


A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.

And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”

I’m so emb-


I’d fight for you, I’d lie for you, I’d dig a hole in my backyard for you.


Taco Bell wouldn’t be so popular if indoor plumbing didn’t exist




Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!


[3 guys corner me in an alley]

3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit


I always wear black. That way I’m ready, at any given moment, for an impromptu night out or your funeral, whatever.