14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
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feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.