A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
You Might Also Like
Alcohol is best served.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Not sure what my dog thinks I do all day, but based on her excitement when I get home she apparently lives in constant fear I’ll be murdered
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.