14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
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Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend: