14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
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Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!