Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
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Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
the dark web is just a goth google.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.