14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
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Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
The Backseat Boys
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Make new friends? bro out of what?
🏙👨🏼
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
Me too door. Me too.