@heymonroe

14 year old me would be shocked to learn that knowing every word to Billy Joel’s ‘We didn’t start the fire’ has done nothing for our career.

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@rhysjamesy

So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.

@GlennyRodge

Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.

@BillMc7

Taken 3 ~ It All Ends Here
Taken 4 ~ Listen, We’re Just As Surprised As You Are
Taken 5 ~ Whaaaaat!? Yep…

@brennadine

CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!

@abbycohenwl

I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair

@manwhohasitall

Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.

@T_Bonezzz_

Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother

@robin_991

Uterus: cry

Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-

Uterus: CRY.