Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
14 year old me would be shocked to learn that knowing every word to Billy Joel’s ‘We didn’t start the fire’ has done nothing for our career.
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Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
“Don’t quote me on that.” -anonymous
Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. Wouldn’t it be a lot more helpful if it was on the front?
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her