@heymonroe

14 year old me would be shocked to learn that knowing every word to Billy Joel’s ‘We didn’t start the fire’ has done nothing for our career.

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@sad_saurus

Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.

Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.

Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.

@Coolisiana

I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on

@dumbbeezie

Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you

@Marlebean

4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!

@joejwest

ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t

@SSparklesDaily

Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.

@HenpeckedHal

me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy

@AimeeHelene1

Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?

*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*

(in customer service line at Walmart)

@LinajkReturns

If he buys your drink, but you’re really not interested?

Smile at him, thank him and then stick the olive up your nose.