Remember when you thought if you accidentally swallowed apple seeds, a tree would grow in your belly?
God I miss my ‘Thirties’….
14 year old me would be shocked to learn that knowing every word to Billy Joel’s ‘We didn’t start the fire’ has done nothing for our career.
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I love twitter
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
I’m a big fan of wood. Mahogany. Cherry. Walnut. Morning.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Me: guess what I shaved!
Him: your armpits?
Him: your mustache?
Him: your nec-
Me: I don’t wanna play this game anymore