You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
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wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.