Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
14 year old me would be shocked to learn that knowing every word to Billy Joel’s ‘We didn’t start the fire’ has done nothing for our career.
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I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
4: Or the fat sea witch!
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
If he buys your drink, but you’re really not interested?
Smile at him, thank him and then stick the olive up your nose.