@heymonroe

14 year old me would be shocked to learn that knowing every word to Billy Joel’s ‘We didn’t start the fire’ has done nothing for our career.

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@Gupton68

Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.

@Tylerosis

Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.

@PetrickSara

Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)

@DirtMcTurd

If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave

@MelvinofYork

Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition

@ArfMeasures

HER: Does your dog do any tricks?

ME: I taught him to lie on the bed

H: That’s not impressive lol

DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit

@kfoagkfoag

*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!

@HairyJew4Life

Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. Wouldn’t it be a lot more helpful if it was on the front?

@_Mo_lee_

If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her