Rather alarming headline…
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the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Yeah. This was me today.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Hell yeah 👍
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast