I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
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I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed