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Please. Danger is my middle name.
“What’s your first name?”


I’m not against half naked men.
At least not as often as I’d like to be.


When I know I’ve posted a great tweet, I walk away from my phone in slow motion like I’m Jason Statham walking from an explosion.


Hungover at 25: *Drinks Gatorade*

Hungover at 35: *Makes funeral arrangements*


Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.


If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.


Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?

*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*


New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?

Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?


Stranger: You look like you need a hug.

Me: No. That’s just my face.


Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.