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@NicestHippo

Please. Danger is my middle name.
“What’s your first name?”
Avoids

@Amanda10Rivers

I’m not against half naked men.
At least not as often as I’d like to be.

@shadygeekdad

When I know I’ve posted a great tweet, I walk away from my phone in slow motion like I’m Jason Statham walking from an explosion.

@jamdugg

Hungover at 25: *Drinks Gatorade*

Hungover at 35: *Makes funeral arrangements*

@215potter

Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.

@baeblacksheep

If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.

@k8ieokay

Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?

*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*

@rachelle_mandik

New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?

Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?

@SaltyCorpse

Stranger: You look like you need a hug.

Me: No. That’s just my face.

@professorkiosk

Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.