Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
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first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.