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@thenatewolf

Go ahead, mate with someone who wears glasses, add to the degradation of our eyesight as a species. Not like there are bears we need to spot

@Thedudish

Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.

@jeffswarens

After I clear my browser history I do a quick google search for things like “feeding the hungry” and “How to thank a loving wife”

@batkaren

Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…

@mrjohntofu

If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?

@randomlawless

When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”

@3sunzzz

M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!

H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.

M: I BROKE A NAIL!

@rad_milk

DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog

@ShootyDoody

First Date:

Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?

Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)

@Sassafrantz

I don’t want to seem desperate after a date so I usually text him 10 years later when he has a wife and kids.