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Go ahead, mate with someone who wears glasses, add to the degradation of our eyesight as a species. Not like there are bears we need to spot


Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.


After I clear my browser history I do a quick google search for things like “feeding the hungry” and “How to thank a loving wife”


Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…


If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?


When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”


M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!

H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.



DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog


First Date:

Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?

Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)


I don’t want to seem desperate after a date so I usually text him 10 years later when he has a wife and kids.