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@BatBatshitcrazy

I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.

@jordan_stratton

Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.

@AngryRaccoon2

(At concert)

EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!

Me: Not a chance

WAVE YOUR ARMS!!

Me: Ridiculous

OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!

Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.

@IamEnidColeslaw

it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses

@ThePocketJustin

It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.

@TheAndrewNadeau

[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!

@PleaseBeGneiss

inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream

nabisco: and the outside?

inventor: absolute garbage

nabisco: stop i love it

@nibz250

It’s so cold today a racist told me to go back to Pakistan and I just agreed with him

@Daveastated

Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.