me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
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FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.