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@RdrJay47

If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.

@UncleDuke1969

HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”

@Doughbvy

SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs

SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough

@MattElGato

I’m gonna be honest, I don’t even know where girls pee from

@WilliamAder

Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.

@QuietPsycho

When I think about you, I touch myself…..

……I rub my temples because you give me a goddamn headache…

@jergarl

Me: *breaks down door

Wife: WTF ARE YOU DOING?

M: HOME INVASION!

W: OMG stop breaking our house when you want sex.

M: Soooooo

W: No

@GrantTanaka

Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most

@aka_fatman

*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!