So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
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My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
want me to check your oil?
reminder
Become ungovernable.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
White Castle for the Win
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.