My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
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Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
I falcon love using swear birds