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ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?


[asteroid hurling towards earth]

ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule


I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.



guy cheats on ex. Ex blocks on all platforms. Unblocks just to send GoT spoilers every week


son, you don’t need to close your eyes, it’s just a movie. the killer from the movie can still get you even if you’re not watching it


Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.


Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.


[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth