Sounds about right! 💯
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Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.