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@TheToddWilliams

[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?

@Reverend_Scott

[asteroid hurling towards earth]

ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule

@_davidlucas_

I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.

~Psychopaths.

@elenacresci

guy cheats on ex. Ex blocks on all platforms. Unblocks just to send GoT spoilers every week

@animaldrumss

son, you don’t need to close your eyes, it’s just a movie. the killer from the movie can still get you even if you’re not watching it

@markhoppus

Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.

@RikNasty2Point0

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.

@yobrah_

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth